Mom and I went to decorate Dad’s grave today. Put up spring flowers and took down the roses that mom called “winter”. The wind was blowing so fiercely we wonder if the flowers will stay put in the vase. Mom stuffed them with some paper and we will hope for the best. We drove around then and looked at all the graves. I actually like our cematary. It’s quite old with some really neat old tombstones.
Dad is gone now almost 9 months. I remember the awfulness of it all in waves. There was good too. Lots of good. I never spent so much time with Dad until the last two years of his life. I’m glad we were able to keep Dad at home. It was hard, but why must everything be easy.

I’ve often second guessed myself these past few days. Like…should we have put Dad into the hospital sooner? Should we have went back to the Oncologist after getting the “bad” PET scan report? Should I have hidden the fact, from Dad, that the scan showed “activity in the area of the left rib cage, and showed several other new growths, one pressing against the vital carotid? Most days I say, we did the right thing. Dad stayed home all the days of his life except when he absolutely couldn’t get up without much much much more help than I could give. Just last Saturday, me, Mom and Dad sat outside his house, I lit a fire in their mainly unused chiimarree, and we got to enjoy the fire, the outdoors, the bird songs, the gentle breeze, the fact that we were NOT in the hospital or nursing home. Sunday, we did much the same…and Dad wanted a ride in my little bug. I complied of course…no whiplash at all! I stayed all night from that night on. Tht was the last day that Dad went anywhere. Monday, not only was Dad unable to talk, he didn’t want go to the hospital for his zymeta or even have the bloodwork done. He needed help to get off the couch. He ate nothing. that’s when we got the wheelchair, commode and aafter discussion, determined we would stay home as long as Dad had no pain and I could still get him up with stand by assistance from Mom. Dad was able to say at home until Wednesday then, we went into the hospital late afternoon for bloodwork, zymeta and in our heart we knew, final admission to the hospital. Mark had to lift Dad from the wheelchair into the Durango. God, what a heartbreaking experience. Dad was in a bad way. So weak, but still no complaints. Once in the hospital bed, which I haven’t seen him lay down for 1 and 1/2 years (not to mention Mom), he rapidly deteriorated. He rested finally after midnight. I went home for a few hours and when I went back, I knew it was almost over. He died Thursday morning. Thank God he didn’t have to suffer anymore. Today, is the funeral. Another difficult day. But I couldn’t wish him back to suffer anymore.

It’s bad now.
Everyday someone asks…”So…how’s your dad?”, and I have to pause and say, “He’s not good, he’s not good at all”. Even though I said that yesterday, and the day before that and the day before that…today…he’s worse. Each day unfolds some new, bad. Every day is hell in it’s own way. There is no word for this disease…this parasitic fungi…this appetite stealing, body wasting, sonofabitch cancer.

When you find yourself delivering very good, hot Colombian coffee (from a reputable coffee shop) and Xanax to your parents home and wishing you had a vat of whiskey as well you know things are going downhill. One minute you may find yourself making homemade apple fritters, the next…telling your Dad that the Dr called and he has non small cell squamous cancer of the lung. You may find yourself setting up PET scans and bone scans and buying groceries for your folks. You may find yourself crying when you least suspect it. You might wonder how you can smile and wish anyone happy holidays when your own are tainted by the appearance of those bastard cancer cells.
We are now in the process of staging.

You can’t know how awful it was to take the phone call from the Dr in the early evening hours, decide to wait overnight to talk to your folks so they won’t have a sleepless night, go in the morning and see them turn to you with fearful eyes and then say “Dad, it’s cancer”.

I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy.

We wait for reports and I feel myself growing older and grayer. It’s only been 2 days, yet it feels like eternity. My Mom and Dad are hibernating in their home. Locking themselves inside a protective bubble. Forgetting everything the Dr. already told them, they are waiting for a miracle. I am so not ready for this thing to get rolling. Let them remain in hiding I want to scream! I imagine I will call the Dr’s office in Lincoln tomorrow or early early Monday and ask them for results, explain that I would like to know before they dial up my folks. Somehow, I don’t know if they will tell me anything. HIPPA violations are something to behold. I dread for Mom or Dad to answer the phone and take in the news like sponges…only to deflate, curl up inside themselves and implode.
I’m expecting the worst.
My stomach is in knots.
My Mom is in some kind of world I cannot fathom.
It’s almost unbearable.
I find myself feeling guilty if I forget for a second that my Dad is sick, my Mom floundering. What I could have should have need to do is flogging me with every breathe.
I wish I could do anything to make things better.

Sitting In Limbo 

Posted by dashblog on 2005-12-10 22:15:12 PDT | Permalink

Filename: john_cruz_sitting_in_limbo.mp3 | Tags: by John Cruz

Got back from Lincoln around 5 pm today.
Dad had his, as he called it, scopealottome, or otherwise known, bronchoscopy and biopsies this morning. Mark asked him if he also got an addadicktome while he was at it.
boys
Dad tolerated the procedure well. Better than us in fact. Me, Mom and Mark sat in the waiting room and waited.
Waiting sucks bad.
The Dr. talked to us, showed us pictures of the bronchial airways (right side perfect…left side…not)…the good news(which I don’t think there was)…the bad news(probably cancer)…and now we await the biopsy results.
Early next week.
We will know for certain sure what we are dealing with and then we can plan what to do or not to do.
I’m so tired right now. I can’t imagine how my Mom is feeling let alone my Dad.
This SUCKS in a big big big way.

One day down.
We got here(Lincoln) last night, checked into a motel, slept zero, got ready, had a massive breakfast, and then, went to Bryan Medical Plaza. There we met Dr. Johnson, pulmonologist. Dad’s x-ray looked worse today then when he got out of the hospital 2 weeks ago. More fluid around the base of the left lung. The lower left lobe was not expanding at all.
Probable cause…cancer.
No surprise there really but to hear the Dr say it out loud was almost a relief. At least it was out in the open. Dr. Johnson also said that the haziness could be caused by a severe pneumonia.
He gave us that glimmer of hope. He isn’t abrupt and cold. I mean even if there is 1 chance in a zillion it is just a severe pneumonia it’s nice to hear that there “is a chance”.
I like him. He is a non threatening and non judgmental Dr…so far. We found out he grew up around Alma. He knows some of the Cambridge folks too. That was kind of a neat plus.
Dad was then scheduled for a pulmonary function test and after that and an arterial blood gas draw, he had a thoracentesis done. This is when a needle is passed between 2 ribs and into the space between the lung and the rib and fluid is drawn off. In dads case…2 liters of beer looking fluid. Dad teased Dr. Johnson and said his distillery had been found out. His lung did not immediately expand after the fluid was drawn out. It might yet, or not. We don’t know yet. Tomorrow, we go into Bryan at 5:30 am and dad will have a bronchoscopy done. There Dr. Johnson will take biopsies. Then, we go home. We will have the results of the biopsies early next week. Once we receive those we will form our plan of action or non action. Right now, we don’t know for certain sure what we are dealing with.
Mom is doing okay…as good as she can. Dad seems good. He doesn’t say too much. I almost felt like he was relieved that the word cancer was out in the open. I don’t know.
It’s been a day.
If the weather doesn’t get a lot worse (been snowing off and on all day) and dad tolerates the scope, we will be home tomorrow late afternoon.
Thank God for Mark. He has been toting us all everywhere, getting our rooms, getting baggage here and there. This trip would have been HELL without him!!

Due to the weather we are leaving today.
That means we won’t see the kids’ Christmas programs (silver lining?) ha ha ha. I am sad though, because I hate to miss anything the kids are in.
I soaked Dad’s feet and trimmed his nails last night…slowly slowly slowly…cuz that’s my way and Mom veered in with a sidecutter and practically wedged off a toe.
Good Lord!
No wonder I love gore, sores and weeping pustules! It was born right in me!
Cindy Sue called me late afternoon, from Kearney, from the mall, to inform me
SHE’S SNOWED IN AT THE MALL!!!
OMG! Call 911! The stores will never be the same! I think she and her mom were going to buy sleeping bags and camp out in Herbergers or something like that.
What A Terrible Tragedy!!
Snowed in at the MALL!!

Dad’s home and we will probably be going to Lincoln sometime this next week.
For now we wonder if the rattle is an infusion from the pneumonia or, as he says, “My leetle buddies”, making an imaginary ciggarette with his fingers.
We can only hope for the best and prepare for the worst.
In other news, I tore the coffee shop appart yesterday and attempted to decorate and move the tables and chairs around so some people can sit as long as they wish and others, who wish to shop, could actually shop.
It was a nightmare from hell.
I moved every table, every chair, almost every counter, every book, coffee bean and more.
I always regret it when I get the place torn from stem to stern, because it takes FOREVER to put things away.
In the end, I got things put back somewhat in order, but I didn’t get all my decorating done.
Today I suppose, I’ll finish.
The thought of decorating my house makes me shudder.
I have no desire to do it.
At all.
We should have put up our outdoor lights yesterday when it was nice out.
Today is cold, windy and possible it will snow and rain later.
At least some of my Christmas shopping is done.
Boxes have been arriving lately.
Filled with things I ordered.

If only I could remember who I ordered that monkey for.
For now…

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Not much new.
Dad still in our local hospital with “inconclusive CAT scan results” leading to a check up in 2 weeks with a pulmonologist in Lincoln.
He is being treated for Pneumonia now and for the next 2 or 3 days…Even though he has been smoking since he was 11-12 years of age…and the inevitable is looming on the horizon.
He has lost 20 or so pounds.
He has a chronic cough.
His RBC is 12…not 14 like a man should be.
He occasionally coughs up bright red sputum.
You do the math.

It’s been a hard 2 days and it feels like a month has went by.

It might be miller time soon…